Tuesday, October 30, 2007

I don't know why...

I don't know why I keep going to the Rumour Queen site, but I do.

I don't know why I keep believing her 'rumours' of a speed up, but I do (only to have a crushing realization when things go *SPLAT*).

I don't know why I keep getting on this stupid roller coaster every month, hoping that something is going to change, but it doesn't.

I don't know why I bother, because it's not like anything is going to change for us in the foreseeable future. We've *easily* got another two years of this, with really no end in sight. I'm not trying to be negative, just realistic.

I know I'm not the only one that feels this way, and I know there are a lot of you who are closer and are feeling this even more. I just wish we had some kind of idea as to when this would happen. I'm tired of having to tell people 'another two years' and being asked 'I thought you said that six months ago?!'

How can you miss something that you've never had?

17 comments:

Dolores and Shawn said...

I can tell you why we keep going back...because we're sadists and enjoy the torture.

Kathy and Joel said...

I'm having a difficult time as well. More difficult than I ever thought I would. I am tired of it all and tired of placating agencies who tell us that they have no control.
I have stopped believing in speed-ups and have instead begun to envision my life (once again) without children. We grieved in 2003, the loss of what could have been, only to have to revisit that grief all over again.

Doris & Dan said...

I get I am a sucker for punishment. I feel the same way. I wonder if I will ever feel something other then disappointment and sadness associated with this adoption.

Keep smilin!

Kristine and Shawn said...

I agree with Dolores, sadists all of us!!!!!!! I check in the am and then in the pm. Yikes!! I am an RQ addict and I admit it!!

Kristine and Shawn said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Catherine said...

Oh Rhonda...do I agree! I'm like a crack addict with that site. Constantly going back for more. This month I even let myself believe that we were going to hit the double digits. Why or why do we do this to ourselves? I'd love to think I can stop but I know I cannot. I'll continue to stalk RQ until my referral day. It's just a known fact.

So sorry for the 'time warp' you're living in. Me too! How come friends get pregnant, have the baby, go on maternity leave for a year and I'm still 'probably a year away.' UGH!!!

Here for you. We're going to get through this together.

Lisa said...

Rhonda I know how you feel. I don't even know what to say to you. I feel so bad that you're going through this and even though we've had a long wait it seems yours will be longer. It just doesn't seem right. Like I said I just don't even know what I can say to make things better.

Mamacita said...

I hear ya, sistah!

Wendy said...

Hi, my name is Wendy and I'm a sucker for the roller coaster ride.

OziMum said...

I'm with you!!! I was SOOO overjoyed at the prospect of getting thru 12 days... now it appears to have slipped back to 8... and is sure to slip back more. Why, why, why - do I keep going back for more?!!!

Mrs. Vandertramp said...

and why, even though we tell ourselves that the rumours are too good to be true, do we allow our hearts to open to them anyhow? Why can't the heart and brain be on the same page?

MotherMotherOcean said...

Uh, what else is there to focus on? I think it is understandable.

Donna Paonessa said...

You keep going to the RQ site because it's the only control you have right now; perfectly understandable. The saying, "adoption is a leap of faith" is so true; it's hard to be so out of control of your own life. I remember that feeling all too well. It's not fun. No, I didn't face the blasted timelines that you guys are, but I did have to deal with the uncertainty and loss of control. Until you experience it firsthand, you don't realize how difficult this process is!

There's nothing I can say really, but just wanted you to know that I understand how you feel and I'm sorry that you're all feeling so low.

Ouch on the agency comment though. Agencies really DON'T have any control - we can't pull files from the CCAA or extract any information from them other than what they're willing to give. Now that I'm working directly as the Program Manager for Thailand, I'm experiencing it all first-hand; the "dance" of building and sustaining relationships with people who have all the control over where the referrals go and to whom. We're doing all we can, but the matching process is not something we can control. It's at a different level of course, but this is brutal for us as an agency too.

Hugs to all of you. Remember, it's not OVER - it's not like the program is closing down or anything. Your children will come to you, they're just taking WAY too long.

Beth said...

Oh my how I understand what you are saying. I wish we had some idea of when. I have gone from wishing to know what month, to wishing to know what season, to wising to know what year.
If it helps to know others understand, we completely do. For me somedays that helps other days it doesn't.

Alyson & Ford said...

I like to hear any kind of news, good or bad. The roller coaster ride is like being on the edge of your seat with excitement and an upset stomach! Not much fun!

Alyson
LID 01/27/06

kerri said...

I am sorry.
((hugs))
I wish us Moms could go to China and volunteer as paper pushers and get things rollin'.

redmaryjanes said...

I understand completely how you feel. You know that a child is coming, you have their essence..you are haunted. It's so hard.