Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Reflections

On New Year's Eve, I took Josh to The Sound of Music as a belated Channukah present. Before the show, we went out for a nice dinner at a downtown restaurant and enjoyed ourselves.

At the end of the show, I cried. It had nothing to do with the play or how well it was done, it was because there was a little girl sitting in front of us who kept turning around and looking at me all during the play. My mind wandered and had we not been through all we have (through out the years), we might have a child that we were taking to that show with us.

I thought I was past all these feelings and I hate that it still affects me. That it still defines me. I don't want to feel that kind of pain anymore. That kind of hurt. That sense of guilt.

Yes, guilt.

I feel horribly guilty that we're still childless and that a lot of it (if not all of it) has to do with me. That it's my fault. That maybe if I had done something differently, things wouldn't be the way they are. I know these are just the cards we were dealt in life.

Now don't get me wrong, I still have faith it's going to happen eventually. I got to thinking about all of this because of a poem that K1 posted on her blog and it affected me deeply, especially these words...

"I am not my pain
I am not my past
I am that which has emerged from the fire."

So, I will pick myself up and try not to dwell in the past and what was. I will look to the future and revel in what will be.

14 comments:

a Tonggu Momma said...

Rhonda ~ No words... just hugs.

Dolores and Shawn said...

Rhonda, it's not your fault, there is no reason to feel guilty. There is no reason why one person is affected by infertility and another is not, none whatsoever.

I'm sending you big hugs from across the country.

Michelle said...

I can so relate to this post. In fact it came up in a therapy session just the other night and my husband was shocked. He had no idea that I carried guilt over the fact that we still have no children. But I do. MY body is the one that failed. I am the one who had the problems, and I am the one who had to have a hysterectomy, thus ending our chances of ever having a biological child. Not him. ME.


I also still have those tearful moments now and again and they always come out of nowhere, when I thought I was in a place of acceptance.

I used to only get them when I found out about a friend or family member had become pregnant but now I find that I get them sometimes when I see so many other of my bloggy friends getting referrals, especially those who were LID after us and switched to special needs.

And then I feel like a horrible, terrible selfish person for having those feelings. I should have only happy thoughts for my friends who are receiving babies, and for the babies receiving families.

I may have to delete this comment.

I'm sorry you are feeling down. Please know you are not alone.
And I am the queen of crying at the most inopportune time.

Rhonda said...

I hope you don't delete the comment...

Red Sand said...

I suspect many of us share those emotions, no matter how irrational. I've been working to soften the betrayal I felt towards/from my body and to accept 'fate' or whatever it is, rather than the guilt and failure that still lurks beneath the surface. That poem was powerful.

Adding my hugs to the pile.

PIPO said...

I'm sorry. I know the pain you speak of and it is a dark place.

I also know you will get your Phoenix on and step right out of those ashes into something wonderful. I just know that about you :0)

Lisa said...

Wrapping my arms and heart around you. I have known the feeling.

You and Josh are special and WILL be taking your princess to a lot of events.

3D said...

You are def. not alone in those thoughts and feelings. I have offered to hubs in my moments that he can leave me and find someone who can give him kids. To find a fertile new wife. He looks at me like I am a lunatic when I say those things.

Those words are very powerful and very true. We will live as a result of what we go thru.

Hugs and keep smilin!

Juliette said...

Been there often and believe it or not still sometimes even though we have our princess with us.
I try to convince myself often that some things cannot be controlled and that there might be a reason for it, the big picture... but still, I get angry and frustrated.
But I also know, feel, we'll be one day exactly where we wished we'll be in our life and at that moment will all reach peace in our heart.
Hugs to you dear Rhonda.

Michele said...

I can understand your feelings of what if. I've had them too. I just wish we'd known our situation much earlier, then we could have made different decisions.

Don't feel guilty, at least you tried your best. I truly believe that those of us that go through the worst that life has to offer to have our children cherishes them the most. One day Little Maple will know just how much she is cherished.

Cari said...

I'm right there with you, in terms of the guilt....it's vague, but sometimes there. I know it's not our fault but logic and emotion don't always agree.
This WILL happen.
I love the poem too.....I think it really speaks to a lot of us.

hugs,
cari

Debz said...

You sound like me. every once in a while I play the blame game. It hurts sometimes but it is what it is and I'm certain this path was chosen for us long before we ever knew.
The one thing that echos in my mind every once in a while is what hubby said one day in a roll-over-moment in bed....he said...."I just realized that I'll never experiance the birth of our child...." it stung a little, but like I said we were the chosen ones to grow our families threw international adoption and I can feel nothing but honor when I look at it from that point of view. So know you are not alone and it's ok to hurt sometimes....it makes us stronger some how.
Bless you,
Velcro hugz
Debz

Special K said...

I'm with TM... there are good words already here. I have none right now. Just hugs for you.

wzgirl said...

I think that this is an ongoing process that requires frequent reminders, inspiration and encouragement to keep on moving forward. Be kind to yourself, you are human & may fall down every now and again.

xo