Last month I posted this about Facebook. Well, the other day I was contacted by someone I went to high school with. I had originally registered on Facebook under my married name and I naively believed that nobody would figure out who I was because of that. Well, the other day, I was contacted by an old friend from high school who I lost contact with. Since then, I've changed my account to include my maiden name and married name.
She sent me some messages, and I responded in kind. The inevitable question of do you have kids? came up and I answered no. Which, yes, is true at the present moment in time, but I didn't bring up the topic that we're adopting. I feel kind of weird that I didn't say something. If I were pregnant I most certainly would have said something, but for some reason, I just stayed silent on the topic. In a way, I kind of feel that I 'betrayed' our (future) child by not excitingly saying "YES! We're adopting from China!"
*sigh*
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I think we almost go into "self-preservation" mode. Don't say it so you don't have to explain it. *grin*
The other day at the funeral, Nick and I were asked by our friend's uncle..."so, do you have any children?". Nick pulled out his recent picture of the girls to show him and the uncle said, "oh, they're so cute, they look Chinese!??". Nick said, "yes, they are"...and waited to see if it would click. It did and the uncle said...............
wait for it.....................
"wow, that's great, such charitable work".
*****sigh***** Nick gave me a look that said, "down girl, you're at a funeral".
Standard answer #1, smiling sweetly - "it's just the way we chose to build our family".
Exit, stage left.
Donna
AW, don't be so hard on yourself. When you're more confident in the whole process the right words will come. Your excitement will be contagious. You will have the stupid comments, a la Donna's experience, but you'll find your clever comeback too.
Nah. You don't need another member of a well-meaning chorus to add to the constant questions. Right?
There are MANY people that ask and I say NO - I don't go into details.
Perhaps when our referral is closer then 3 years, I will start telling people, but right now only a select number of people know.
There is NO betrayal there at all!
TOTALLY with Johnny on this one. I think that many of us who have gone through such invasive fertility treatment and adoption homestudies are clouded when it comes to what we have a right to relevant to privacy. You are not obligated to tell everyone that you are adopting, nor should you feel as though you are betraying your child in China because you don't wish to divulge your life story to someone you haven't spoken to in many years. The fact is, opening up to someone about adoption is not the same as opening up about a pregnancy. Adoption can signal a history that you do not wish to go into. A pregnancy is much more benign a topic. In this long wait, where emotions are fragile, you are free to honour yourself with the privacy you so rightly deserve.
Can you sense how protective I am of you, my friend?
Nothing wrong with not wanting the barrage of questions.
Like Donna, I don't think it's betrayal- I think it's self preservation. That way we don't have to go into the WHOOOOOLLLE thing over and over again.
Add me to the chorus of the 'self preservation' crowd. We're not obliged to tell everyone our stories, and frankly, when we tell people we're adopting from China, they want the story. Little Maple will understand -- and so do the rest of us!!!
Cari
totally understand where you are coming from. I've found myself telling strangers who I'm unlikely to meet again, because I still want to celebrate it and tell myself it's coming, but only with people where I'm unlikely to be asked repeatedly for updates...
Donna - I'm taking notes.
I agree 100% with Kathy. I don't think that you are betraying your daughter at all. You don't owe anyone any explanations and unfortunately people feel the need to ask very intrusive questions when you say you're adopting.
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